Think Hacks

Bad habits are those elusive bits of behavior that you just can’t seem to shake. No matter how hard you might try, they seem to stick with you forever. There are lots of tips out there on how to give them up. People prescribe techniques that are based purely on willpower. They often quote the figure that it takes three weeks to make or break a habit. But do these really work? They don’t. If willpower actually did work, then there wouldn’t be so many bad habits in the world.

In order to change them, we have to understand habits a little better. Let’s look at how habits formed: As you grew up and learned to live in the world, you picked up habits through repetition. You mimicked your parents and other people around you, you did what you were told (or the opposite), and you came up with some habits on your own. Your habits stick with you throughout your life, even though they were chosen in a way that looks random when you look back on it. You couldn’t choose your parents, you didn’t choose what your teacher yelled at you for, and you didn’t have as much experience as you have now.Basically, your mental software was written through a glorious, convoluted process of haphazard trial and error.

The reason habits are difficult to get rid of is that they, at one time, had a useful, positive function. Maybe cursing made you “cool” at school — it afforded you a certain social status. Complaining made your parents give you a piece of candy. Your individual needs brought them about. But your world has changed, and those habits are no longer effective. You still associate being cool with cursing, and complaining with getting what you want. Your habits, at some time or another, actually came in handy. They may not come in handy anymore. They may not be the most effective way of doing what needs to be done. They may not be socially acceptable. But you’ve still got ‘em — and you want ‘em gone.

But you can’t just get rid of them. They won’t go away. Complaining will go away as soon as you can stop wanting something you don’t have — which isn’t going to happen. For years you have followed the pattern “want something I don’t have so complain”. The desire and the behavior are linked up in your mind. And if that’s the only way you know how to ask for stuff from other people, if you get rid of the habit, you’ll have nothing to satisfy your existential needs with. That’s why it’s so tough to get rid of them.

The key is to replace your habits with new, more effective habits. If you find something that works better than cursing to get people to pay attention to you, your mind will naturally use that one more. And cursing will naturally die off because it is no longer needed. So how do you do that, you ask? Use the Six Step Reframe, or 6SR for short.

The Six Step Reframe was at one point a central technique in Neurolinguistic Programming. It harnesses the power of reframing your habits to loosen them up, then replaces them with more effective behaviors of your choosing. I have used it many times to enhance my habits. When done correctly, it not only gets rid of bad habits, it can catapult your thinking into win/win strategies and a more positive outlook on yourself. All it requires is a bit of creativity, some intuition, and an imagination.

Six Step Reframe (6SR)

This is a version of the 6SR that you can do by yourself. It requires a pen and paper, to gather your ideas on. Read through the whole process once, because the steps start to inter-mingle at the end. You’ll need to look ahead.

While describing the process, I’ll use the example of someone who wishes to stop saying “No problem” when someone thanks him. Here are the steps:

1. Identify the target behavior.
   This step simply asks you to pick one behavior that you wish to change. Be as clear and descriptive as possible. You want a specific behavior that you think could be better.
   • Do not analyze your behavior!
     Don’t try anything like this: “Saying “No Problem” because my father used to say it to someone when they said ‘Thank you’.” Choose this instead: “Saying ‘No problem’ as a response to ‘Thank you’”.Too much analysis and replaying the memories of the behavior make it worse. It doesn’t matter why you do it! Focus on an objective description.
   • Avoid global behaviors
     Like (”Saying ‘No problem’”) when you mean something specific (”Saying ‘No problem’ as a response to ‘Thank you’”). The more specific you are, the easier it will be to perform the next step.
   • Avoid any mention or hints of a possible solution.
     Don’t say “Saying “No problem” when I mean “You’re welcome”". You are mixing in a solution. Instead, phrase it more descriptively: “Saying ‘No problem’ as a response to ‘Thank you’”.

   Write out your behavior so you can come back to it.

2. Identify the Positive Intention
   This is the fun part, and the meat of the process. Too often we rely on what other people say to judge our actions. People might say that you say “No problem” because you don’t care about other people. All of those negative opinions can weigh down on us and make us feel worthless. But deep down you know that you’re doing it for a wonderful, positive reason.Your goal in this step is to find a way to see why you do the behavior that brings you joy.When I perform this step, I don’t stop looking until I bliss out. I love making people feel good, so that’s what I shoot for. What you love might be different!
   • Do not accept bland, run-of-the-mill excuses for doing your behavior!
     • To sound cool <- bland!
     • To be nonchalant <- pedestrian!
     • To show that I don’t need to be thanked <-getting better
     • To really show the person who said ‘thank you’ that I did what I did because I care about them <- Bliss!

   Write out several possible intentions. Brainstorm and write down anything that comes to mind. It doesn’t have to make sense yet, it will! Notice how the example intention above that blissed me outdoes not seem to fit with my behavior. Does saying “No problem” really make people understand how much I care? No. But I thought it might when I started the behavior, and I just haven’t changed it yet. Deep down I know that’s what I really intended.

   Keep writing more and more intentions until you find the one that makes you happy. Circle that one — it’s a keeper.

3. List at least three solutions
   Now you get to come up with a bunch of solutions. The more the merrier. Too many times we want to get rid of a habit just because we feel like we aren’t in control. Someone will say: “I always say that! I wish I said something different.” But if you said something different, you’d feel just as robotic — you still have only one possible behavior, and that’s no choice. It’s important to have many options — at least three. One option is a robot, two is a dilemma, and three or more is a free choice.Your goal here is to have three acceptable behaviors that will satisfy your positive intention.
   • Get into a creative mood.
     Get out some crayons, or play some good music.
   • Go wild with ideas.
     I like to write out about 20 ideas, even if they are far-fetched. I’ll select the good ones from among them.
   • Choose bold ideas.
     This is your time to experiment. There are safety measures in the next steps, so go crazy here!
   • Choose special occasion ideas.
     They don’t all have to work all the time. That’s why it’s great to have lots of choices. Sometimes one will just be more appropriate.
   • For our example, this is what I came up with:
     1. Say “You’re welcome”
     2. Blow a kiss
     3. Say “It was my pleasure”
     4. Look them in the eyes and smile
     5. Say “Any time”
     6. Give them a big hug.
     7. Say “thank you” back
     8. Wink
     9. Say “Now, you owe me!”
     10. Say “I love you!”

   Write out a list of ways to satisfy your positive intention. Forget your old behavior and brainstorm a huge list of new behaviors.

4. Ask for permission to use those solutions
   Now, this part requires you to use your intuition. Intuition is not hard to do — there’s a way to make it reliable! Close your eyes. Tell yourself with your inner monologue that you would like to set up a signal to communicate with your unconscious. Tell yourself that you would like you unconscious to signal a “No” by wiggling your left finger. Wiggle the finger a little just to make it clear. Tell yourself that you’d like to signal a “Yes” by wiggling your right finger. Wiggle it to make it clear. Now ask to confirm the signals. Pay attention to your fingers as your unconscious mind answers. If the signal is weak — if you can’t decide whether it really is your unconscious mind communicating — ask it to communicate louder. This method does work. You can use any signals you like. You may need a little practice.You goal here is to have a list of at least three behaviors that your unconscious mind has confirmed will satisfy the positive intention.
   • Be patient.
     Your unconscious mind may need a bit of time to decide.
   • Be thorough.
     Check each behavior idea independently.
   • Here’s what I chose in the example:
     • Say “You’re welcome”
     • Blow a kiss
     • Look them in the eyes and smile
     • Give them a hug

Go through your list, one by one, and ask your unconscious mind to signal to you through the method you developed above. Ask yourself for permission to install the behavior to satisfy your positive intention.

If you are left with a list of less than three items, go back to Step 3 and add some more. Keep repeating until you finish Step 4 with a list of 3 new behaviors.

5. Future pacing
   Now, it’s time for your imagination to kick in. By vividly imagining a situation in which you’d use the behavior, you’re setting up the pathways to reinforce the new habit.Your goal here is to imagine performing the behaviors in a realistic situation.
   • Do each one a few times
     The more you do it, the more easily the new behavior will come.
   • Imagine the positive intention
     Part of the power of this technique is to incorporate the energy from the positive intention to help set in the behaviors.

   Go through the list you made in Step 4 and imagine the complete situation, including the positive intention. Do this step simultaneously with Step 6.

   Here’s how I imagined one of the behaviors I chose above:

   I'm at a party at a friend's house. My friend's drink is finished, so I go over a grab another one for her. I hand it to her, and by the time she notices, I'm walking away. She says "Thanks!". I remember how much I care about her, so I turn back and blow her a kiss!

6. Ecology check
   This is a very important step. You don’t want to install behaviors in yourself that will mess with your congruency. For instance, it may not be appropriate to blow kisses at everybody — it might get you into some serious trouble. That’s why it’s important that while you’re doing Step 5, you are also asking your unconscious whether this behavior will interfere with anything else in your unconscious. You can use the same signals as before. While you had a more limited focus when you asked for permission before — you wanted to know if it satisfied the positive intention — now you want to know if it will cause any problems on a larger scale.Your goal here is to have a list of at least three behaviors affirmed by your unconscious mind that they are compatible with your entire being.
   • Do the ecology check at the same time as Future pacing.
     The best time to find problems is when you’re imagining a realistic situation. Your unconscious mind can signal you if anything comes up.
   • Do not skip the Ecology Check!
     This is an important step. Without it, you could install behaviors that go against your other purposes. Does this behavior interfere with my job? With my friendships? With my marriage?
   • Remember that you do have a choice!
     There was an “approval” signal when I checked the “Blow a kiss” behavior. Why, even though blowing kisses could cause problems? Because I’m smarter than that. I know when and to whom I can blow a kiss. Just because it’s not appropriate all of the time does not mean I can’t do it sometimes.

   While doing the Future Pacing, ask your unconscious whether it approves of the behavior, seeing your personality as a whole. If, after this step, you have fewer than three behaviors that were approved, go back to Step 3 and generate some more ideas.

Here are all of the steps:
1. Identify the behavior
2. Identify the positive intention
3. Generate satisfactory behaviors
4. Ask permission for the behaviors
5. Future pace
6. Ecology check

Here’s a worksheet I made to help you out.

I love the Six Step Reframe. After imagining all of those great behaviors, I always feel excited to go out and try them. Because of the positive intention, I have a better sense of my self worth. I hope the 6SR brings you as much joy as it has brought me.

I figure the more people who know this technique, the better the world will be. Why be satisfied with humdrum normal behavior when we can have beautiful, hopeful, blissful habits that spread joy, love, and generocity through every one we come in contact with. There’s so much potential for positive change. I get tingly just thinking about it.

Here are some other resources on the web:

Six Step Reframing at Trans4mind.com

Wikipedia Article on Reframing

Secrets of the Six Step Reframe

Bad Habits? Use The NLP Six-Step Reframe That Guarantees Instant Personal Changes

Please post comments of your most inspiring and unorthodox habit changes using the 6SR.

Popularity: 78% [?]